All the thoughts taking place in a man's final breath - the same person shot at the end of "The Pedestrian". The majority culture cannot understand what it's like to be in these situations in America and with the police, to have them happen to your family who don't survive and to have the thought stick with you, "what a fucked up way to go." Because you know. Because you've seen it. This is no way me trying to convince anyone to believe in Christ as much as it is me attempting to represent how miraculous it is that anyone would believe. It isn't in our power to believe. He gives us that power in His Holy Spirit. Often, in times that make no sense at all. In those moments, he can be so near. So much more near than we want Him to be. He can be enough. My hope, my faith, my joy is not in your understanding. Our heads shall be lifted up over our enemy's. Our enemy will never kill our spirit. We are Black, and this is happening.
lyrics
"The Faith"
God, I don't wanna die...
I lie and bleed from bullet holes.
Oh, Lord.
I don't know why.
Lord, I wanna live.
Is there not another grace to me that you could give?
Jesus, I'm so afraid.
I don't wanna be brave.
Not like this, God. Please!
I just wanna be saved!
Don't let them murder me!
Don't let them put me in a grave!
I'm tryna hold on!
Won't you tell me help is on the way?!
Tell me I'll live to see my family, friends, and other days!
My insides burning while blood floods my lungs...
I'm gagging on an aging breath 'cause the next does not come...
God, are you real?
Most things silent and invisible aren't.
'Cept maybe love. Or the suffering of those you let get harmed.
Another black unarmed male confirmed as killed... I cannot go out like this, God! You cannot let this be your will and then tell people that you're good! It's sadistic! It's unrealistic! It's narcissistic to say, for your glory, I'm a statistic!
ARE YOU THERE?!
WHERE?!
I AM SO SCARED!
I'M EXPOSED AND I'M NAKED
I'M BARE
I AM EMBARRASSED
I AM DEFENSELESS
I AM A LAUGHING STOCK
YOU ARE SO CARELESS
YOU ARE PRETENTIOUS
I AM AN AFTERTHOUGHT!!!!
You say you love me?
Where are you now that I need you most?
I feel so foolish speaking of "fate" or to "Holy Ghosts" while my enemies surround me and dance.
They're celebrating with chants of, "All Lives Matter!" while they snuff us like ants...
And in this cruel and petty world, who's afforded the chance to be holding the murder weapon and be allowed to advance?
Is the white officer made more in your image and preferred than the black man who he's nailed onto the curb?
Isn't that absurd?
Wasn't I your child?
Didn't I defend your name and your commands to those who hated you, called you "White Jesus" because they refused to understand?
Those who fetishized Black culture and lusted for Black art while vilifying Black faith: Black hope in a Black heart.
It's a mad pursuit confusing one's aptitude for your magnitude.
Murderers use your Word to justify what they'd rather do.
They feel too low to be below you.
They want no new light in old views.
They don't know you like I know you.
They don't go through what I go through...
They're so cheap, the victories won by a person unhinged.
To get my revenge might not make me much better than them.
Then, what is to sin?
To trespass?
To transgress?
To let pass what
can't.
press.
on?
Lord, I can't. press on.
I'll confess my wrongs
I'll say less, "I'm strong"
If you heal my wounds and get me off this trail I'm along...
What do you want from me?!
What have you promised me?!
No heirs put on with me!
All that I have ever wanted, I have wanted honestly!
'Cept a couple deeds I've done I may not have done honorably...
All the more evident why your work in me is non-complete!
I need more air!
More oxygen!
More time!
I need to know why you command that I'm peaceful in war time!
I need your help not to be anxious of images or time!
Help rid me of all my concern when you tell me, "It's your time."
Why am I talking to you as if I know you exist?
Fuck it. I am desperate.
I need hope there's more than this.
Why would you make me?
Why did I go through this Hell on Earth?
Why must I give it up without knowing what it was worth?
What if I put you first all my life and I went to church?
If I was perfect, would your verdict diverge me of all this hurt?
Did your son feel the pain that I do when He did His work?
Did He free me of this distance between us when evil lurks?
Are you making me more like Him?
If so, would you let me know?
I wanted to quit this life so many times!
Now, I can't let it go!
Lord, find the lost!
I need a new heart!
I need a new start!
I feel the weight of my wrongdoings and it tears me apart!
Lord, would you heal all who I've damaged, neglected or brought to shame?
Would you give them supernatural comfort in Jesus' name?
To my assassins, to the men who for my death will take the blame,
and to my family, I pray you'll grant them mercy all the same:
To those who conquer, who gain, and who lose whose hearts are still left longing,
those who worship their acceptance and their sense of their belonging,
those who get a taste of gratitude in times that don't make sense,
those who the world fails, who need faith, but are too afraid to repent, I say this:
My perfect savior, in spite of all of my flaws,
makes me not a slave to the system, to the street, or to the cause.
And with my God, I will be free.
That's all that's left I have to say.
'Cause you will never understand
what you will never take away:
A joyful celebration of the sounds of Southern rap from an artist who's never felt more at home and in command of her space and vision. Bandcamp Album of the Day May 25, 2023
Having shacked up with Del and MF Doom, production powerhouse Parallel Thought now collabs with streetwise MC Bentley. Bandcamp New & Notable Mar 5, 2016
